Western “Intelligence”: Putin is Sick, Dead, or Worse

Dissociated Press

A consortium of Western intelligence agencies has issued an assessment claiming that Russian President Vladimir Putin is sick, dead, or even worse.

“Based on the fact that his face looks kind of puffy and he doesn’t smile as much as he didn’t used to, we assess with a high degree of confidence that Putin either has cancer, heart disease, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, or plague, or most likely some combination of those conditions; or that he is dead and just hasn’t realized it yet; or that he died and has been replaced by the fat guy who pretended to be Osama Bin Laden in the CIA’s fake confession video; or that he died and was brought back to half-life by a secret Russian zombification process that makes corpses walk and talk more or less like they did when they were alive, except that their faces are kind of puffy and they don’t smile as much as they didn’t used to when they were alive, and, most horrifically of all, they stumble around with glazed eyes chasing people and catching them and eating their brains. Since the final option is the most vile and horrific thing we can think of, we assess that it is most likely the truth: PUTIN IS A ROTTING, FESTERING ZOMBIE AND HE IS COMING TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!”

The Western intelligence consortium credited the Ghost of Kiev and the Foul-Mouthed Martyrs of Snake Island with giving Putin cancer, heart disease, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, and plague, thereby killing him and forcing the Russians to zombify him: “The Ghost of Kiev, after shooting down the entire Russian Air Force, flew to Moscow at Mach 10, skimming the treetops to evade Russian air defenses, and fired a Putin-seeking fleche dart with a cocktail of pathogens from Ukraine-based US bioweapons labs. Simultaneously, the foulmouthed martyrs of Snake Island, seconds before they were blown to kingdom come by Russian forces, dialed Putin’s secret cell phone number and, when the Russian president answered, yelled ‘fuck you’ at him, which naturally gave Putin a heart attack from which he never fully recovered. The combination of diseases and heart problems quickly finished Putin off, which left the Russians no option but to zombify him.”

A Kremlin spokesperson, asked to comment on the charges, responded that “Western intelligence” is an oxymoron, and that although somebody seems to have eaten the West’s brains, it sure wasn’t Putin.