Pentagon Reveals Chinese Spy Balloon Was “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom”

Dissociated Press

A Pentagon spokesperson reported Wednesday that the Chinese spy balloon shot down off South Carolina last week was a “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom” (WHC) that posed a serious threat to America’s national virility.

According to the report, the Chinese have developed a new polymer-layering nanotechnology that can be sprayed on the outside of an ordinary condom, giving it incredible strength and allowing it to be inflated to enormous sizes.

“By tumescing it with helium and sending it into American airspace, the Chinese demonstrated their ability to put a gargantuan phallus right there over our heads. It’s a gigantic ‘fuck-you’ to the American people, and Biden just sat there and took it,” said Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas).

Donald Trump agreed, adding that the Chinese WHC was “really, really yuuuuuuuuge.” Trump said the Chinese were sending a message about the under-endowed phallus of the current occupant of the White House, and never would have dared to do it if a “yuuuuuuuge” president like himself had been in office.

Speaking off-the-record, a National Security Council source said that China’s average penis size, like its economy and military, has been growing faster than America’s, and that the WHC represented an attempt to “ram that message home.” He added that if current trends continued, China’s phallic endowment, economy, and military would surpass America’s by 2030, causing the once-mighty US empire and the dollar on which it is based to shrivel and shrink into unmitigated impotence.

Gen. Jack D. Ripper, busy planning America’s next move in Ukraine, could not be reached for comment.