Bullet That Nicked Trump's Ear Found on Stretcher at Parkland Memorial Hospital

The bullet that mysteriously disappeared from the Butler Farm Show grounds, then surfaced more than a month later in Dallas, Texas

Dissociated Press

The mysterious July 13 Trump shooting in Butler, Pennsylvania grew slightly less mysterious this morning, as the FBI announced that it has finally located the bullet that struck former President Donald Trump’s right ear. As it turns out, there was a very good reason why the bullet could not be found at the Butler Farm Show location where the shooting took place: It was accidentally removed by medical personnel, and somehow found its way to a stretcher at Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, Texas, where it was discovered by a person or persons unknown.

The bullet’s remarkably pristine condition appears consistent with the official story that it somehow grazed Trump’s ear and produced sufficient blood for a photo op without causing any tangible wound.

Trump’s ear on July 26, less than two weeks after the “shooting.”

But the bullet’s mysteries go deeper than meets the eye. According to ballistics experts, the bullet discovered this morning on the stretcher at Parkland Memorial Hospital is in fact the same “magic bullet” allegedly fired from the Texas School Book Depository on November 22, 1963. That bullet repeatedly penetrated and re-penetrated President John F. Kennedy and Texas Governor John Connally, made yet another right angle turn and flew to Parkland Memorial Hospital, landed on a stretcher, was found by persons unknown and taken to the National Archives as Warren Commission Exhibit 399, where it rested until July 13, 2024 when it suddenly blasted its way out of its case and through the thick walls of the National Archives, traveled at supersonic velocities all the way to Butler, Pennsylvania, and loaded itself into Thomas Matthew Crooks’ rifle, from whence it was used to blast three or four epidermal cells off of the right ear of Donald J. Trump.

Skeptics argue that even though the bullet could easily have done the non-damage to Trump’s ear and remained in pristine condition, it seems unlikely that it could have blasted its way through various parts of Kennedy’s and Connolly’s bodies, and later penetrated the walls of the National Archives, without suffering any visible distortion or fragmentation. These conspiracy theorists also wonder precisely how the bullet found its way from Butler to Dallas, and ask why the name of the person who discovered it—like the name of the person who discovered it in precisely the same spot on November 22, 1963—has not been made public.

But Gerald Posner, the world’s only surviving believer in the JFK magic bullet’s magic, has offered a convincing rebuttal to the conspiracy theorists: “Warren Commission Exhibit 399’s ability to make sharp turns and penetrate solid objects without incurring damage or distortion has now been proven beyond a reasonable doubt. The magic bullet really is magic. Case closed.”

JFK’s brain, reached at its home in the Skull and Bones Crypt in New Haven, Connecticut, rolled over in its jar before refusing any further comment.