BREAKING! Epstein Client List Released—Features America's Biggest Names

You Will Be SHOCKED!

Dissociated Press

Attorney General Pam Bondi called a press conference this morning to announce that Jeffrey Epstein's client list has been located. She said she had accidentally misplaced it on her cluttered desk, under a crumpled grocery list beside a scanner, partially hidden by a charging station with tangled cords and devices.

As Bondi started to read the names on the list, an obviously discomfited President Trump interrupted her: "Why are people still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? With all of these big beautiful stories, like Elon's AI blurting out the truth about Jews, alligators eating immigrants in Florida, Bibi strutting into the White House like he owns it, which of course he does—why do we have to keep talking about this creep Epstein, the mention of whose name so visibly embarrasses me?!"

But as Bondi began reading the names, Trump sank back into his chair, exhaled slowly, and allowed a smug smile to creep across his face.

Meanwhile, the American people are horrified and traumatized. It seems that many of their most esteemed idols have been compromised.

In an absolutely horrific turn of events, our cherished national mascot Uncle Sam turns out to have been on Epstein's client list. The pair was often seen together shopping for 13-year-olds at Walmart.

Jeffrey Epstein's Client List

Appleseed, Johnny

Bear, Smokey the

Bunny, The Energizer

Bunyan, Paul

Burger King, King of

Cheetah, Chester

Chocula, Count

Crunch, Cap'n

Doughboy, the Pillsbury

Duck, Donald

Gecko, Geico

Giant, The Jolly Green

Henry, John

Jemima, Aunt

Liberty, Lady

Man, Marlboro

Man, Michelin

Mouse, Mickey

Peanut, Mr.

Revere, Paul

Riviter, Rosie the

Ross, Betsy

Sam, Uncle

Sanders, Col.

Tiger, Tony The

Israel is believed to be in possession of explicit photos featuring America’s most beloved corporate mascots, which is why America has no choice but to support genocide.