Antisemitism Is Pervasive and Ubiquitous Throughout Universe, Says Jewish Physicist

Dissociated Press

Dr. Franck Einshtein, Director of Harvard University’s Jeffrey Epstein Institute for the Investigation of Fundamental Physical Forces, has announced the discovery of a fifth fundamental force, which he terms the antisemitism force.

“Until this morning, it was believed that the universe is shaped by only four fundamental forces: gravity, electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force, and the weak nuclear force. But my team has discovered a crucially important fifth force: antisemitism!” Dr. Einshtein enthused at a hastily-arranged Epstein Institute press conference.

Einshtein explained that many of the universe’s deepest mysteries can only be explained by invoking the antisemitism force as a fundamental constant of nature. “How can it possibly be that wherever Jews go, they are hated by their neighbors for no reason at all? How can horrific conflicts have erupted so often between Jews and non-Jews, even though Jews have never done anything to anybody?” Citing Hamas’s completely unprovoked attack on Israel last October 7th, Einshtein noted that Jews had come to Palestine only to be nice to Palestinians and give them land and money and help them plant olive trees and build mosques and hospitals, and look at how they repay us.

“Why do Palestinians hate us? And why has everyone always hated us just like Palestinians do?” Dr. Einshtein asked rhetorically. “I’ll tell you why. It’s the antisemitism force. It’s not just in goyim DNA. And it’s not just in the molecules of their DNA. It’s deeper than that. It goes all the way down to the basic structure of the universe. The antisemitism force is the only way to explain it.”

Einshtein added that he would be leading a team of Jewish physicists tasked with weaponizing the antisemitism force: “Since it exerts such a strong pull on non-Jews, we hypothesize that by turning it back on itself in a Large Antisemitism Collider, the antisemitism force could be intensified to the point that it utterly annihilates those affected by it. Once the device is built and we flip the switch, all the non-Jews will go ‘poof’ and disappear, instantly dematerialized by the very antisemitism that had been sustaining them. And though there is a small but significant chance that the whole universe will go ‘poof’ right along with them, we calculate that the odds of such a mishap are only about one in five or one in six, so it’s definitely worth the risk.”

Asked whether the Large Antisemitism Collider, an enormous two-part structure that would grow to cover the entire West Bank and Gaza Strip in the wake of their ongoing demolitions, was fiscally viable, Einshtein expressed guarded optimism: “We realize that six hundred sixty six trillion dollars is a lot of money. But since we own the printing presses and the governments, we can just print it and tax the goyim to make up the rest.”

Within ten minutes of Einshtein’s announcement, Columbia University, quickly followed by every other elite American university, had formed task forces to endorse the Epstein Institute’s work and debunk conspiracy theories about Jews having any power at all or ever doing anything wrong.