US Offers Free Tour of ICE Facilities to Attract Tourists and Foreign Students

Dissociated Press

In a new project spearheaded by what’s left of the US Commerce, Education, and State Departments, the government is offering foreign tourists and students “a free all-expenses-paid tour of ICE detention facilities” in hopes of attracting them to America.

“We’ve taken a huge economic hit from tourist and student cancelations,” explained Dierdre McDogbreath, Undersecretary of Miscellaneous Affairs and Whatnot at the State Department’s EducationUSA program. “For some reason many foreigners, especially students, have gotten the impression that they are no longer welcome in America. The new free ICE tours aim to change that.”

The first beneficiary of the new program, New York University graduate student Mahmoud Khalil, is currently enjoying Cajun cuisine and Zydeco music in New Orleans while getting an insider’s view of ICE’s legendary hospitality. Since then, hundreds of other lucky people have gotten the red-carpet ICE treatment, including Australian tourist Renato Subatic, Harvard Medical School researcher Kseniia Petrova, and Canadian actress Jasmine Mooney.

In a new Truth Social video, Donald Trump hawked the project:

“Folks, have you seen our ICE facilities? People don’t talk about it — but I’m gonna talk about it, because nobody does detention better than us. Believe me.

We have the best cages. Beautiful cages. Very strong. Some people say — and I’m not saying this, but people say — they’re nicer than a Holiday Inn. I walked in, I said, ‘Wow, is this a Four Seasons or a detention center?’ You can’t even tell the difference!

We give them blankets — not just any blankets, folks — space blankets. Very high-tech. NASA uses them!

And the food? Tremendous. They get burritos. Every day! You go to Manhattan, you pay $18 for a burrito — and it’s not even good. Ours? Practically gourmet. Some of these folks are gaining weight — and I say that with respect.

And the beds? The finest steel benches you’ve ever seen. Made in America. Not like those foreign hotels with the soft stuff. No, we give them real American metal to build character.

People are saying — they’re saying — ‘Mr. Trump, I wish I could stay in an ICE facility!’ And I say, ‘No, no, you can’t — you have to be illegal! For now, anyway.’

But pretty soon we’re gonna expand it. Trump ICE Resorts. That’s what I’m calling it. The best experience you never wanted, folks. Better than Guantanamo, which I also made great, by the way. Obama tried to close it — I renovated it. Beautiful tiles.”

In a sign that the ICE program is having an impact, the US Department of Facts and Statistics noted yesterday that for the first time in history more people are trying to leave the US than enter it. If current trends continue, USDFS says, by the end of Trump’s term there won’t be anyone left except the guy hanging the sign: “Last one out turn off the lights!”