Raccoon Dog Blamed for COVID Pandemic Identified, Arrested
Raccoon Dog Blamed for COVID Pandemic Identified, Arrested
Protests innocence: "I'm just a patsy!" before succumbing to an entirely natural sudden death
A raccoon dog fingered by a team of biowarfare scientists as the likely source of the COVID-19 pandemic was apprehended this morning in his cage at the Bronx zoo. Pawcuffed and hauled off in a police cruiser, the animal barked out: “I’m just a patsy!”
After an extensive interrogation during which no recordings were made nor any notes taken, the raccoon dog, whose full name is Rocky Raccoon Oswald, was being transferred from one jail to another when he somehow hanged himself while being shot by a reputed mob hitman. The coroner, backed by the SPCA, CIA, FBI, and LSD, has already ruled “death by natural causes.”
Though a few disgruntled conspiracy theorists have been tweeting “Rocky didn’t hang himself while being shot,” experts, fact checkers, and AI algorithms unanimously agree that the COVID origins question has now been definitively solved and that “Rocky acted alone.”
Bats, pangolins, and germ warfare scientists reacted jubilantly to the news that they were no longer under suspicion. Reached by batphone in the depths of his batcave, Batty Battowitz of the Anti-Bat-Defamation League joyfully flapped his leathery wings and emitted hypersonic squeaks of pure joy, while Paddy Pangolin of the Proud Pangolin Party called a celebratory press conference to announce that pangolin-blamers everywhere should now hang their heads in shame, and that pangolins, definitively cleared of mass murder charges, could go back to doing whatever it is that pangolins do.
Meanwhile, in Fort Detrick, Maryland, the Society for the Advancement of Germ Warfare Science issued a statement deploring the very existence of raccoon dogs and promising to do oodles of gain-of-function research in hopes of stopping the next naturally-occurring pandemic, on condition that taxpayers fork over a few more hundreds of billions of dollars.
Yeah right, shylock paid a very traceable $3.2m NIH contribution (and more?) towards helping Xi Dada and the CCP concoct a WMD virus that would strip millions of goyim of a pound of flesh without spilling one drop of US blood?! And not in a secret lab in Ukraine but at a well known Wuhan lab in the heart of China!? Ilhan Omar is right, goyim are under a strange hypnosis unable to fathom a simple truth eg 58 one metre steel eye beams all magically snapped almost simultaneously along the entire 100 yard length of WTC7, neatly collapsing an entire 47 story structure in free fall on its footprint, all whilst owner silverstein was having his tooth "pulled" by a kosher dentist. The smoking gun may be seen on YouTube 24/7 yet theyr still sumun bukmun umyun!!
The raccoon dogs must have been trained by the Ukrainians who sailed their yacht equipped with Spongebob Squarepants ultra diving gear and Play-doh C-4 explosives and blew up the Nordstream pipelines. I'm pretty sure the raccdogs are also the ones responsible for the bird flu that's causing farmers to kill millions of chickens because they have to kill them to save them.