Israel Sweeps Anal Rape Competition at Paris Olympics

Dissociated Press

Peretz Putzenschlubb defended his title in the men's ten meter forcible sodomy competition, giving his team an unprecedented sweep in the anal rape medals at the Paris Olympics. Putzenschlubb, a mainstay of the Sde Teiman Prison Rape Squad, defeated his teammates Schlemiel Shtuppenberg and Schlemozzel Shtuppenshtein by pursuing and raping a designated victim after a 6.1 meter chase, completing the forcible violation in a world-record-setting 15.7 seconds.

Putzenschlubb won points on technique as well as distance and time. "He's so smooth he doesn't even need lube," noted Itamar Ben-Gvir, the Israeli minister and forcible sodomy specialist who served as CNN's expert commentator for the anal rape competition. "His performance in the ten meter dash-and-dog was absolutely superb. Give him at least a 9.7."

The silver and bronze medals were taken home by Putzenschlubb's Sde Teiman Prison Rape Squad teammates Shtuppenberg and Shtuppenshtein, who raped in 7.2 and 7.8 meters respectively, finishing in 19.4 and 23.8 seconds.

Israeli rape team coach Benjamin Netanyahu said he wasn't surprised that only Israeli athletes showed up for the anal rape competition. "The other countries are afraid of us, and with good reason," Netanyahu explained. "They know if they come anywhere near an Israeli, they're in for an ass whuppin'."

Netanyahu added that the Olympic Committee's initial reluctance to approve anal rape as an Olympic sport was "totally anti-Semitic." The Israeli prime minister expressed pride that the Jewish lobby was able to quickly shame the Olympic Committee into approving what he called "Israel's de facto national sport" and warned that anal rape critics would be deplatformed from social media and mercilessly hounded by TV trucks broadcasting their images and impugning their reputations.

The anal rape competition was briefly marred by an interruption by anti-rape terrorists, who were quickly captured by French police and turned over to the Israelis to practice on.