House Resolution Would Rename Washington DC Monuments After Zelensky

Surprise move gains bipartisan support

Dissociated Press

A South Carolina Republican Congressman is introducing a resolution that would, if passed, force the US National Parks Service to replace Washington, DC monuments and memorials with tributes to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky.

The resolution was introduced by Rep. Joe Wilson, R-S.C., on Monday and would direct the Park Service to replace the Lincoln Memorial and the Jefferson Memorial with Zelensky Memorials. In both cases, sculptors would be hired to chip away at the stone faces of Lincoln and Jefferson until what was left bore at least a passing resemblance to Zelensky.

The former Lincoln Memorial, now a Zelensky Memorial, as envisioned by the US National Parks Service Monuments and Memorials Commission

The former Jefferson Memorial, now another Zelensky Memorial, as envisioned by the US National Parks Service Monuments and Memorials Commission

The resolution would also direct the Park Service to alter the Washington Monument "in such a way as to communicate to the viewer that the phallus being memorialized is Volodymyr Zelensky's rather than George Washington's."  A spokesman for the Monuments and Memorials Commission said the proposed alteration would include commissioning Rabbi Yehuda Krinsky to perform a ritual circumcision on the capstone. Following the circumcision ceremony, a new capstone—a sculpture representing a piano—would be placed atop the tip in a moving tribute to the Ukrainian president's musical prowess.

The Zelensky Monument, formerly known as the Washington Monument, will be refurbished to honor the virtuosic phallus of Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky

The resolution also provides an initial $50 billion dollar outlay, with additional $50 billion dollar supplementary appropriations as needed, to stage a series of  mass child sacrifices at the memorials and monuments. Rep. Wilson explained that since thousands of American children are already dying due to inadequate nutrition, medical care, housing, and other necessities while hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars are spent on Ukraine, we might as well just cut their throats and offer them up to the Zelensky deity.

Rep. Wilson's resolution is expected to pass with bipartisan support. House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries voiced his approval, saying he was glad to see the Republicans finally agreeing to desecrate the monuments of slaveowners and racists. Republican Speaker Kevin McCarthy, for his part, said he was always happy to sacrifice American children to the gods of war.

Meanwhile, back in Kiev, Zelensky was busy with his US-taxpayer-provided cocaine and could not be reached for comment.