Charlie Kirk’s Resurrection Scheduled for Next Sunday
Ben Shapiro, the newly-appointed Pope of the Church of Charlie Kirk, has announced that Kirk’s resurrection will take place at 1 pm Eastern time next Sunday afternoon. All churches will be closed and NFL games have been rescheduled for Saturday or Monday so Americans will not be distracted while witnessing the Charlie Kirk Singularity, which promises to be an awesome, millennium-inaugurating spectacle, after which nobody will be allowed to criticize Charlie Kirk, Benjamin Netanyahu, or Donald Trump ever again.
Sunday’s event will mark the first time a human has ever been digitally brought back from the dead. Kirk will be resurrected by a supercomputer-driven 3D printer running on AI software developed by a consortium including Peter Thiel’s Palantir, Sam Altman’s OpenAI, Elon Musk’s Grok, Amnon Shashua’s Mobileye, and some crude sketches of Kirk drawn by Ben Shapiro and Benjamin Netanyahu.
The new 3D-printed “Kirk 2.0” will be a significant improvement on the original, whose expensive pro-Zionist software had been growing increasingly unreliable during the weeks and months before his death. The new, improved Kirk will never again turn down Netanyahu’s funding, invite Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson to conferences, mention Jews controlling the media and sponsoring cultural Marxism, or question the sacred narrative of October 7th.
The resurrected Kirk is also expected to endorse the official story of his one-shot assassination from 200 yards by a black-clad rooftop sniper with a perfectly planned escape route who turned out to be a trannie-loving groyper named Tyler Robinson. Additionally, Kirk 2.0 will heap abuse on the conspiracy theorists who think George Zinn, the Jewish 9/11 propagandist who created a diversion at the scene of the shooting, had anything to do with it, or who question how the rifle got from the rooftop to the woods where it was discovered.
After singlehandedly solving his own assassination to the satisfaction of everybody, Kirk 2.0 will be annointed Messiah so he can rule the world from a rebuilt blood sacrifice temple in Jerusalem as soon as those pesky Palestinians, and anyone else who objects to the new dispensation, have been exterminated.
Reached via cell phone in a White House toilet stall, President Trump said he always loved Charlie Kirk “except when he was telling me not to obey Bibi’s orders to attack Iran.” Trump said he looked forward to working with Kirk’s resurrected avatar, who undoubtedly wouldn’t be giving that kind of advice any more. The president added that he hoped Thiel’s consortium would also resurrect Jeffrey Epstein, adding that he had already test-driven prototypes of Epstein 2.0’s female teenage androids: “They’re tremendous! People are saying they’re the greatest of all time, and you know what? They’re right. I looked at them, I said, wow. The experts came to me, very smart people, the best people, and they said, ‘Sir, we’ve never seen anything so incredible, so perfect, so absolutely unbelievable.’ And I said, ‘Of course you haven’t, because they’re mine, I mean ours, mine and Jeffrey’s, and we’re winning like nothing else.’ Believe me.”
You’re wrong on one count, Kevin. Michael Jackson was digitally resurrected in 2014 at the Billboard Music Awards. Rumor has it that the power of his moonwalk will be instrumental in the rise of Saint Kirk this Sunday. I’m giddy.
It Has Been Six Days Since The Assassination, So, Where The Fuck Is The Bullet That Killed Charlie Kirk?