California Reparations Task Force: Pay Descendants of Enslaved People to Urinate in Public

A "golden opportunity" for restorative justice

Dissociated Press

After demanding that state lawmakers ban the arrest and prosecution of people who violate laws against public urination, California's reparations task force has upped the ante by calling for financial rewards for public urinators. Under the proposed Pay2Pee program, anyone descended from enslaved people could claim a $500 reward for each act of public urination, while "power pissers" who emit more than a half-gallon a day would be offered a ten-thousand-dollar-a-week stipend.

Former San Francisco District Attorney Chesa Boudin, an advisor to the task force, said that paying people to urinate in public would help ensure that reparations money reaches the people who really need it. "The individuals stinking up our streets aren't exactly stinking rich. Whereas Steph Curry, who is fractionally descended from enslaved people, makes $35 million a year and pees into a solid-gold toilet. Obviously Steph never urinates in public, so he wouldn't get the reparations money—which is only fair, considering that hard-working folks who earn a tiny fraction of what Steph does will be taxed to pay for it."

But can California afford it?

Boudin added that the burden on taxpayers will be eased by salvage-and-reclamation efforts aimed at recycling dried urine residues from public streets and sidewalks. "You'd be surprised at the value of the minerals and chemicals in urine residue," Boudin explained. "Urea, the biggest and stinkiest constituent, makes great fertilizer. But the most valuable elements in piss-stains are heroin and cocaine. By recycling these high-value residues and selling them back to the subsidized pissers at a profit, we estimate that we can recover at least 90% of the cost of reparations. It's a win-win all around."

The ex-DA claimed that Pay2Pee's public funding would be supplemented by private donations, noting that "George Soros is always happy to piss away his money on stuff like this."

Boudin added that Pay2Pee reparations would lead to increased tourist revenues. "San Francisco, the biggest tourist magnet in California, reeks of urine, and tourists flock there like flies," the former DA observed. "Just imagine what would happen if the whole state smelled like that. We'd be drowning in tourist money, and California would literally become the 'Golden State.'"

Boudin added that gay tourism in San Francisco's Castro District, West Hollywood, and other hot spots would be enhanced by the ubiquity of "golden showers": "Believe it or not, some people pay astronomical prices to be urinated on. So why shouldn't the State of California join them?"

Public reaction to the proposal has been mixed. According to polls, the three people in San Francisco who voted against recalling Boudin support Pay2Pee, while more than 67% of Californians' toilets are now decorated with images of bullseyes superimposed over Boudin's face.