Biden to Draft Women, But Promises “No Booties on the Ground”

Dissociated Press

In a passive-aggressive effort to cross Vladimir Putin’s red lines without really crossing them, President Biden has announced that the US will begin drafting women and sending them to the Ukraine war front.

On its face, the move would seem to cross a Russian “red line.” Moscow has made it clear that if the US sends active-duty troops to fight for Ukraine, Russia will unleash its doomsday weapon: a set of dozens of 2M-39 drone torpedos carrying the world’s most powerful nuclear bombs. The bombs will explode underwater, creating 800-foot-high radioactive tsunamis that will permanently eliminate North America, except for a couple of ski areas in the Rocky Mountains. (Experts disagree about whether the best civil defense equipment is surfboards or skis.)

Biden obviously doesn’t want that. So in an attempt to not really cross Russia’s red line even as he crosses it, the Hairsniffer-in-Chief insists that there will be “no booties on the ground.”

But how can Biden send American women to the Ukraine war front without putting “booties on the ground”?  According to Administration sources, the answer involves Northrup Grumman’s new RQ-66 Killer Chick drone. Like the RQ-4 Global Hawk, the RQ-66 Killer Chick is designed to stay aloft for extended periods. But unlike the Global Hawk, the Killer Chick can be adapted to manned—or rather womanned—flight. Its underside features comfortable yet durable perfumed straps, made of exotic laces and leathers and adorned with gold and silver spangles and faux-jewelry, designed to attach scantily-clad women to the underside of the drone.

“By drafting American women, strapping them to the undersides of drones, and darkening the Donbass skies with great flocks of these exotic airborne creatures, who will always remain tantalizingly out of reach of the frustrated Russian soldiers, we will distract the Russians and collapse their morale,” explained White House spokesman John Kirby, who quickly added that he hoped that Karine Jean-Pierre would be the first woman to be drafted and launched.

Conspiracy theorist peaceniks in the pay of Russia claim that Biden’s move is risky and ill-advised. “Those booties may not be on the ground, but they won’t change the military equation either,” said Scott Ritter on Judge Napolitano’s podcast. Ritter then dared Biden to send a Killer Chick honey trap to hover over his backyard.

Another treasonous Russia-loving Putin fanboy, Jeffrey Sachs, argued that Biden’s move is all risk and no return. “What if one or two of those Killer Chicks crashes or gets shot down, and suddenly there are booties on the ground?” Sachs asked. “Is it really worth risking radioactive tidal waves on the very slim chance that filling the Donbass skies with half-undressed American women is somehow going to save Zelensky’s bootie?”

Despite the ravings of deranged conspiracy theorists, all right-thinking people, including mainstream media outlets and their Biden Administration sources, agree that Biden’s plan offers a very clever way to tiptoe right up to Putin’s red lines and then cross them with “implausible deniability”—the new American doctrine wheeled out after the Nordstream operation. “By thumbing our noses at Putin in a really, really stupid way, without gaining any tangible military benefit, we think we can totally gaslight him and reduce him to a blob of quavering jelly like the dogs in the Seligman learned helplessness experiments,” Kirby explained. “After all, look at it from Putin’s perspective: He is fighting the most powerful empire in history, but that empire appears to be run by complete lunatics. How could such crazy people be running the world, he wonders? At some point Putin is going to think he’s the one who’s going crazy, throw up his hands, resign the presidency, and retire to a monastery.”

Other supporters of the Biden plan include the Conference of Presidents of Major Feminist Organizations, who called the draft-women Killer Chick program “a major step towards full equality,” and the National Center for Transgender Equality, which applauded Biden’s plan to draft trans “women” as well as real women and strap trannies to the drones too.