Babylon Bee Called Anti-Semitic by ROFLing ADL Chief

Dissociated Press

Jonathan Greenbutt, president of the Anti-Defecation League (ADL), announced at a press conference yesterday that the popular satirical newspaper The Babylon Bee is anti-Semitic—and promised that as soon as he could stop rolling around howling and guffawing and pounding the floor with his fists he would explain why.

After finally getting hold of himself, Greenbutt explained that The Bee recently published a satirical article full of anti-Semitic tropes. "The Bee hides its anti-Semitism behind the thin veneer of saying 'the government controls 97% of the media,'" the ADL leader explained. "But obviously the government owns only a tiny fraction of the media—NPR, PBS, and the Voice of America. So who is the Bee really talking about? The Jews, that's who! It's just like when David Icke says the planet is controlled by people-eating blood-drinking lizards from outer space. Everybody knows he means the Jews! I mean, who else could it be? Well, if it's obvious that 'bloodsucking space lizards' is an anti-Semitic trope, it's even more obvious that 'they control 97% of the media' is an anti-Semitic trope too."

Greenbutt said that if the entire Bee editorial staff recanted, lined up to kiss his kosher tush, and collectively donated at least a billion dollars, he might eventually partially forgive them "like we sort of half-forgave Mel Gibson and Kyrie Irving."

To support his charges of anti-Semitism, Greenbutt issued a press release featuring the full text of the Babylon Bee article, annotated with the three parentheses Jew-identifier to expose the anti-Semitic tropes. Below is the ADL-annotated text.

(((Government))) Warns That With Elon Owning Twitter (((They))) Will Only Control 97% Of The Media

WASHINGTON, D.C. — (((The White House))) issued a dire warning this week, reminding the nation that Elon's continued ownership of Twitter means (((they))) now only control 97% of the media.

"We can't overstate how dangerous this is," said gay black (((shabbos goy))) Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Yes, (((we))) still control Facebook, Google, Apple, Instagram, YouTube, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Hollywood, TIME, USAToday, The Wall Street Journal, and pretty much all the rest, but (((we))) don't control Twitter. This is dangerous to (((democracy)))."

The entire (((intelligence community))) at the (((CIA, FBI, and NSA))) concurred with the warning, stating that "Elon's ownership of Twitter leaves (((America))) vulnerable to dangerous opinions we do not approve of." (((Leaders with the agencies))) are recommending immediate investigations to bring down the Twitter CEO provided (((their))) planned drone strike doesn't work first.

"(((Democracy))) is at stake," said all the (((agency leaders))) in a shared statement in which (((they))) all recited the words simultaneously in a robotic monotone. "(((We))) must do something. (((Democracy))) is at stake."

At publishing time, several (((watchdog groups))) had underscored the warning, pointing to a 128% increase in exposure to unapproved opinions since Musk's Twitter purchase.